Day 5

Today was rough. Morale is waning.

I woke up hungry, but wanting anything but eggs. I force fed myself before I had to go to yet another doctor’s appointment (story of my life right now). After the doctor’s appointment, I came home and made lunch for Mark and I. I had to be at school in the afternoon, so knowing that I might not have much time between the appointment and having to be at school, I had prepared some ground beef patties the night before. I mixed the rest of the grass-fed ground beef with a tiny amount of coconut aminos, Dijon mustard, salt, pepper, and TJ’s crushed garlic. I sauteed the burgers in olive oil with some diced white onion and a little more garlic. I also steamed some broccoli, which I seasoned with lemon juice and pepper, and then heated up the rest of the zucchini, squash, and onions from yesterday.

Like breakfast, I ended up having to force feed myself the veggies. Broccoli and zucchini have always been two of my favorite foods, and I will always start drooling when I think about a nice combo of zucchini, squash, and onions, but I just couldn’t get into it today, at all. All I wanted was a bun and some cheese for my burger and a nice, big milkshake. It seems that I can still get some pleasure from meat, as I enjoyed my burger a lot. But everything else was just blah.

For dinner, I planned to make this recipe, but cook it on the grill. Barbecuing seems to be my favorite way of cooking meat right now (and what I wouldn’t do for a hot dog. I don’t even like hot dogs!! UGH!) I got the stuff together, leaving out the fish sauce, and planned to make some asparagus and heat up the leftover mashed cauliflower for sides. Fitting with the theme of the day, nothing about this meal sounded appealing to me. I’m not a big fan of asparagus or cauliflower, but I am trying to expand my horizons and make myself eat things with the hopes of being able to tolerate them; however, I probably picked the worst day to do it, given that even foods that I love sounded completely disgusting and gag-worthy to me today. All I wanted for dinner was a 5-pound bag of gummy bears (and not the organic, natural ones I’ve been buying), please and thank you. After fooling around with the grill for quite some time (neither of us is a grillmaster), the chicken was cooked and so was everything else – time to eat. Maybe. The chicken was good – a little sweet, probably from the coconut oil I used, as well as the onion and shallots. But everything else….nope. I couldn’t stomach the cauliflower at all, despite enjoying it a few days ago. This was my first time making asparagus and it didn’t go too well. We decided to steam it and then I seasoned it with salt, pepper, and olive oil, but it was too mushy. Couldn’t stomach it either. Thus, I ended up making a big ol’ plate of green beans for myself instead. Mark ate his like a champ.(There are no pictures because…well…I wasn’t excited about this meal.)

On the way back to my place, I was feeling so demoralized and just wanting to quit right then and there and maybe go get some of that chocolate coconut almond ice cream I’d just heard advertised on the radio instead. All night, I’d been wondering what the point of this whole thing is really, considering I don’t intend to eat like this forever. Eventually I will go back to simple clean eating with the occasional bad-for-you meal, so why wait? Why can’t I just do that now? But then I think about how that wasn’t working and all that I’ve been through even in the last 5 days. I knew I’d have to go through it again. I even thought about just having one little cheat every 5 days (come on, just one ounce of 72% cacao organic dark chocolate!) – that can’t hurt, right? But I know my body has to detox and get rid of stuff and it can’t do that if I’m putting even a little bit of added sugar in it every 5 days. Stupid brain, it doesn’t know when to shut up. So, I did the unthinkable (at least for me) – I went to Arby’s and got an unsweet tea. Yes, the same drink that normally makes me gag in disgust and go running even faster for the sweet tea (oh sweet tea, how I miss you). And I’ve almost finished the whole darn thing. Amazingly, it has helped a bit, just with giving me something with flavor to sip on. So now I know what to do when I’m having crazy sweet cravings. Yes, it was hard to see the milkshakes, Diet Dr. Pepper, and sweet tea on the menu, but I prevailed and ordered my gosh darn unsweet tea for the first time in my life. Success!

Now, I am just thankful that this day is over. I’m also thankful that I still have a boyfriend considering how irritable and lame I have been to be around today! 😉 I’m hoping this funk will pass very soon. From what I’ve read, I seem to be right on schedule as far as the phases of crazy feelings and experiences that people go through on the Whole30 and this one doesn’t last, so thank goodness for that.

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